January 2024

I spent about three weeks in a mental hospital in December before Christmas. I did not think it was right to put me away and fought to advocate for myself to get out. I went to a hearing about how long they could hold me there involuntarily. I spoke for myself and answered a court-appointed lawyer’s questions. I do not believe I look slow. I did not prove I was totally normal and do not go around telling the world that I am anyway like some people. 

I listen to soothing nightingale calls and brooks running on youtube these days. I am seeing a therapist that I do not think helps me. I just do not have the freedom to do otherwise. I am talking more with my friend from high school. I am not going back to college. It always was too hard and I believe it systemically made white people look smarter. The high prices at WalMart are not too high for white people. The lack of free public housing is not a problem for white people that do not need that much public assistance. There is more than enough grounds to sue WalMart on the grounds of the Civil Rights Acts of 1964 and 1991 since all their food is left out to spoil and they do not accept the VSP eye insurance many black people can afford. Food with milk, eggs, or sugar like bread and cereal need to be refrigerated. WalMart is where a lot of black people get their groceries because they have lower prices. I hope someone will start a class action lawsuit against some of these organizations that are grossly negligent against minorities that I can join without looking like I have a lot of money when I don’t. 

I never go to my dentist anymore since they put an electric toothbrush in my mouth they plug into the wall with a big power cord. It could electrocute me and the mint toothpaste has a mint candy flavor or sugar in it that can rot your teeth. Somebody should sue them. I am not working but I normally would not have to with free housing so I do not have to give out my personal information to a lot of strangers when job searching. You do not need this information unless I get hired. Job searching has never been safe.

June Events

I have had a difficult month living with my family. I live in a house with an attic on the second floor that does not have air conditioning in it like an attic, a low ceiling like one, and it is not large enough to be called a bonus room. I think those are used as game rooms in larger properties. Many of the houses in this neighborhood are designed this way. It is the same size house that was bought by the owner and lost through bankruptcy in another city. So, it looks crazy in so many ways. We struggle to pay the bills to live here, but it did not make sense to move. We could sell the house before we run out of funds to pay, but it is not on the market. So, it just looks crazy. I guess we really live on government money like someone in publicly funded housing because the owner of this home that I live with did not deserve to retire. 

She only got to a GS 9 ranking, but worked for 30 years. If that looks illegal or crazy, it is no surprise to me. You had to keep moving up in the Army Reserves to continue working for them. When she stopped at GS 9, she should have resigned. It was before she worked for 30 years. She could not use a computer although she was old enough to buy one in the 1980s, and left because they were becoming more of a requirement. I do not know why she worked there that long, but she would not have retired for 30 years. If she gets an income from the government, it is like what I would normally get through public housing. I would not be destitute if she died normally. I could just go to housing, but it is not normal. They would turn me away unless I had a child like I do not need help, but the taxes are so high I could go to a private college or a public one with small class sizes like a private university like the ones at ECU.

I have been dusting today and getting chores done. I need to do spring cleaning. I help by living with the owner of this house in case she falls or has an emergency. She is not alone for hours before getting help. She is elderly. The way my brother is never here and takes water from her really only helps him. It is not normal he lives here when his apartment is so close by and he has another home with his girlfriend in a different city. He keeps an apartment he never stays at, stays here too, and stays in with his girlfriend. He does not really help the owner of this house by always being gone. He's always had a steady job, but he took a long time to stop wearing pull-ups in elementary school. He could not fit in them when he stopped wearing them. I remember, he was still wearing them in second grade. It was not normal. 

I went shopping yesterday at got so many things I needed. The prices are so high at WalMart. It is ridiculous. I do not know how they make a profit with such high prices. Their merchandise is just not worth that much. I just budget and buy less. There are people who do not even go there probably because of their high prices. It used to be low prices always was their slogan. They took those smiley signs down. 

I am trying Idaho scalloped potatoes, collard greens, and ballpark franks. I found some asian dumplings to eat this month. I have two large bags of those that are microwaveable. I add mayonnaise, Worcestershire marinade (this tastes like pulled pork BBQ), and cheese to my franks. I added a lot of milk and butter to boiled water and dry shavings of scalloped potatoes before baking them in the oven. It was a learning experience. It solidified and looked less runny when it was done with baking. I had never made them before although they've always been with boxes of mashed potatoes in the grocery aisle. It was something new to try. 

I tried phyllo pastry from Athens yesterday. I added butter and stevia to make it taste sweeter. It came out great. It only took five minutes to bake in the oven at 350 degrees. I had never tried them before. I had Lilly's grilled cheese burger sandwiches for lunch, and they were grilled with enough butter and oil that it tasted wonderful. I had never had a grilled cheese burger sandwich with ground beef crumbles before. I had 1 Red's Turkey sausage and phyllo pastries for dinner. 

I mixed 3 scrambled eggs with kidney beans, cayenne (red) pepper, black pepper, Kosher salt, and butter. I ate this with oatmeal with cinnamon, butter, and salt, and it tasted so good together. I found out kidney beans prevent absorbing starch by blocking carbohydrates that break down into sugar during absorption in the intestines from https://www.healthline.com/. It is so good for you and preventing diabetes. I added stevia to it, and it tasted really great. They are also a good source of protein. I usually get a large can of Hanover kidney beans to go with different meals during the month, but I had forgotten how healthy they were. I did not have any sausage to go with my oatmeal, but it still was a filling substitution. Although it was a poor man's mean like something Native Americans used to eat to live off the land by taking a bear minimum. 

My mother took the phone of I was using, so I will not be going online as often. I listen to an old boom box radio I bought in 1997 from Seymour Johnson's PX. It works fine still. I never listened. I enjoy classical music on the radio. It has a nice sound quality with my two large speakers. I have things to do. I did a lot of spring cleaning today. There were a lot of vents and areas around the house that I failed to clean last year after a resident of this house died from the Corona-19 Virus. I hit a lot of old vents, a fan in her empty old room, and corners I missed. I finally got stubborn dust off a vent at the bottom of the stairs that I did not know how to remove before. I found an old lamp that I thought was broken and got it to work from the 1990s. It was a touch lamp that gets brighter when you tap it. I tried tapping it in the middle where the base of the lamp is that gives it much of its height, and it came on. I thought it was broken. I had never tried to turn it on that way. I used the top of the lamp and the base, but it was always a touchy lamp. So, I moved it to my room and it works fine. I plugged in an old lamp with a large shade and wood body in a guest room that was on the floor and unplugged. I did a lot of light cleaning. I think the house is better for it. 

I think my mother is sleep walking from complications of epilepsy. I am not sure she woke up when she does not make a lot of sense. So, I live with her right now, and I think it helps out a lot. She says I cannot have any of her water, but she is always telling me how she is way more normal than I am and that is the only thing she buys that I need to eat or drink. I need water. So, there is so much water outside, and I still get some and let her know she can call 911 is she needs me to leave. There is a record that I have to leave then, and I do not have to come back or fear being reported missing when I am not really. I do not think it is normal for her to be retired, say she is more normal, but not let me get 2 bottles of water a day unless she is sleep walking. I tell her I think she is. I did not deserve to have anything taken from me. That phone's unlimited plan has always been way too expensive. I do not need that much data. So, I was glad to use the phone less. I only needed an android phone like a galaxy. It is an old iPhone 8, but it is 4G and does not cause cancer like 5G. You probably could not get any money for it  now. It was used when we got it. I just use it, but I wish she would change the phone plan. The one her friend set up that died of Covid-19 was the most expensive one I know of. She was just using her and spent all \her money on things we did not need.

I have a better plan to use my computer only once or twice a month to take care of limited business online since the blue light from computer screens is not good for eye health. My blue light glasses are like sunglasses that block blue light from TV, phone, and PC screens. They only cost me $25 from HSN two years ago. They have no Rx, but they help me tremendously with eye strain from the blue light that comes out of the screens. So much blue light comes out of them, but you cannot read from it. It lights up a room at night. It is not normal, and does not look like healthy light. 

I thought about Caribou coffee sold at WalMart last night. I heard that Caribou was a night club and a cigarette brand in the 1950s that no one remembers except people who died. Caribou was a cigarette that killed Nat King Cole, and it is the name of a coffee that I think tastes like a poison is in that did not clearly tell you it was one. It was a cigarette that sold at a jazz night club with live music and tables to drink and sit at. There was a smoking and nonsmoking section. You would not drink Caribou coffee. Nat King Cole died because he smoked that kind of cigarette. 

That was a weird thought I had last night. I am not sure it is Nat King Cole's coffee, but I was a little girl and an astronaut from the 1950s. I think that coffee tastes like a poison is in it. It doesn't tell you, but it could kill. I am already dead, but I don't like how much it tastes bad like poison. I drink The Rifle Company coffee, and it is more obvious. It calls some of its drinks Death Wish. It is a traditional poison that doesn't hide itself in the taste of coffee. I drank it last night, and I felt more alert. It's a nicer coffee than a lot of the ones I've tried. They all taste like they have some form of poison in them to me. I have went through Krispy Kreme (a 1950s brand), Seattle's Best, and Caribou. McCafe coffee always has moldy coffee beans that could give you cancer. They are never fresh. I guess there is nothing to drink. But, if you are already dead, you can drink The Rifle Company. They are southern white from Civil War period. They tell it straight. You have a death wish. Nobody is going to mess with you if you drink this coffee and it wakes you up in the morning. They knew how to clean a rifle, how to load it, aim and fire. There's the quick and the dead. They always got a rifle and know how to use it. Nobody uses rifles anymore, but people who fought in the Civil War can get them at WalMart. They can hit you on the head and kill you that way if they run out of bullets. They're a straight shot. It just takes one bullet to kill you. Best stay clear of their private property signs. Ain't no rifle companies now, (only businesses), but there used to be plenty in 1866 and you could get a mean cup of coffee too while you were looking for the right one. Don't they get money know for their Kentucky Fried Chicken made from scratch? Colonel Sanders dresses like he was old enough to fight in the last civil war. I looked at my K-Pod, and I loaded my round into my Keurig machine, but it was weird. It called the K-pod one round. They are real smart about sharp shootin'.

It's a walk on the wild side. 

Black Hole Portal Entrances/Singularities

I watched the Singularity Principle movie for free on Vudu Saturday and learned that parallel universes are just a copy of the original. They would have organic life with anomalies commonly found in clones. The purpose of opening a door at the singularity or center of a black hole is to travel to long distances in your universe at warp speed. A worm hole can take you to a different portal door or exit point that ends at another black hole’s singularity. You could be antimatter that self destructs because it is not supported in a different universe. It’s atomic structure is more or less smart and is different.

This was quite an interesting movie. I have found many good movies to watch on youtube movies, crackle, and Vudu that are free. I never watched Beverly Hills Cop I, II, or III until this week. I watched Domestic Disturbance, The Devil's Mistress, and Hell or High Water. I was surprised. There are a lot of movies I can watch now that I thought were boring as a child. So, I never watched Eddie Murphy's Beverly Hills Cop movies. I can log into AMC (American Movie Channel) with my cable password and watch movies every once and a while. There are a lot of old movies that are free now that I never watched. I found a RTVE channel on youtube that is from Spain. It is a very good news channel in Spanish. They have excellent Spanish. So, I really enjoyed watching it this week after I finally found it. 

The Police do not Help Me

I am looking at faces television for petite black women that look like teenager when they are black. I do not get help from the police. I imagine their bone structure and compare their face to my skull. I just imagine it, but there are girls that look so much like me that I wonder if it was just me. Too identical, and it is a match like a fingerprint. No one else really has my face. Isn’t that interesting? Judith Light looks like me if I had light skin and got old. I haven’t been Jada Pinkett Smith, and I do not know when she dies. She looks like me with light skin. Sade looked even more like me with light skin in the 80’s. 

People who will die after a short life time, whether it is lived normally or time travelled, are always weird to be around. Tomorrow or in a few minutes, they die. They are hard to kill before and after they are dead. You cannot be sure it is so easy to make them work for you or if they just work for themselves because they are creepy. They may have supernatural strength like a 6 foot ape that is homo sapien. My name is Nikki when I am light skinned or Nick if I’m a white guy in the Backstreet Boys. It is hard to be sure all of me is dead. You do not want me to come for you. It looks like I’m not going to stay dead. Nick Carter still looks 25 in an eternal way. He is muscular like a Frankenstein. Is he your stripper by day? He’s a weird frankenstein too. My will has spoken!

Are you going to be the first?

Although I have no phone number or phone of my own, my address and a number from a phone I borrow is listed online and it has been for years. But, you cannot be sure if I am the one using it. I never was paying the bill. I would normally be so unlisted. I never made that much money to retire or collect social security. I looked so much like Ruby Bridges when I was five. She and Lauren Palmer look so much like me down to their eyes, nose, mouth with slight differences that I have if I am only five or if I gained weight. It is not that easy to take everything from someone. You should think before you try. What if you die trying? I should have been dead though. It must not really be that easy. I live across the street from Savannah Place, which has large homes that are so expensive, but my neighborhood is full of foster kids and is down the road from the projects. Is that were they have parties (Savannah Place)? I do not know who lives over there all year. 

Let's be reasonable. It is not smart to believe you will be the first one to do so much wrong to me. Let's think it through like a math problem. Here is what I am thinking: I do not remember everything from the parts of my brain that are asleep and controlling my breathing and heartbeat, but what if I wake up? I look like I will very soon. It looks like this planet is time travelling. I do not believe the Gregorian calendar we use and Jewish people do not either. The number of sun and moonrises are not the same. There are more sunrises. That can put your year way ahead or way behind after a while. After 12 months of being way ahead, are you really behind the real date? The Hebrew calendar says this is 5783. There are times when the sunrises are way ahead of the moon's, and it is actually behind the real year. There are times when the month is actually way ahead of the real year. So, it looks like this planet is time travelling. It moves at a different speed than real time. It travels around the sun way faster than a space shuttle. I look like I am 12 years old, but the calendar says I am 35. So many people look way younger than their age like J Lo and Adam Levine. When do they get old? Maybe they time travelled. 

I am telling you. I have never looked good, but I did not have a disease when I started kindergarten in 1993. I am still alive like I was not on medication. There was not smart medication for sexually transmitted diseases in 1993. I should have died by 2008 when I was 20 if I had HIV and gonorrhea like I looked like. Or, if I had discolored skin like a time traveling dead person I could still make it and never look good that way. I need to look good like Lauren Palmer. I'm just so black. I must have time travelled. I was already Aaliyah, but I have not been in SWV although she looks like me more than Aaliyah if I turned black. What if I woke up and remembered how to turn myself black? It would be harder to kill me than if I was never alive. Is it rational to think you are gonna be the first one? You are probably not the first one who has tried.

Local MD Psychiatrists

I went to see a psychiatrist today. They are not a medical doctor but started the MD program, changed their studies to psychiatry, and claim they are a doctor still, but which one is it? A counselor that did not get a medical degree or a real doctor. They say they will not give you any medical care if you get sick while being hospitalized at a mental hospital, and it looks illegal. So, is the medicine they give good for you? You have to take it, but they do not look willing to help you. They are only willing to hurt you. It really does not sound right. 

I felt unsafe visiting the real MD psychiatrist because he looks like a hoe. I am not sure if people in the yellow pages do what they claim to do or if they do something nothing else that is disguised by their publicized business. 

I wonder if my family is running the bloods and the crips in LA and I was raised so far away in NC and still do not know today. I just walked away from the streets after living there for years. I get money for disability that I do not have. I wanted government housing, but they force me to get SSI Disability although I am not willing to have my reputation painted in a dishonest light. I am not blind or that slow, but I have to get money. It is out of my control. I do not get enough to pay my bills and I think it was run out someday. Is it laundered money from LA? 

I am not sure all of my family is slow. Maybe one of my parents isn’t and is running everything from NC. I think my mom and brother really are slow, but it looks smart. Who is? Am I really safe after living with in LA or am I kept doped up? Something does not look right unless I am a blood. Whoever my family is, they send money through SSI when I never worked. How long do I have to get their drug money? My life is so unusual!

I think the police from LA are just selling drugs, I do not know why you would have a career in police work if you are that well off to live in LA. They never helped me. They drive around all day, but they have indemnity if they are illegal. They are not charged with crimes they commit. They do not look right. They are too smart to be police. I never call the police hear either. I do not think they would help. 

I Decide My Destiny

People who are famous and live in a big house look like they are advertising that they are a hoe. Somebody with rape them and steal and their money, but everyone has to know who they are. I am not sure if the children in foster care are just wanted criminals that escape the system by hiding out that way. It is not safe to live near foster families. You could be wearing a mask and wig that looks so real and being earning your academy award everyday. 

No body really knows what Will Smith looks like. When he gets off the camera, he takes that shit off his face. What if he has an elaborate makeup job like Mrs. Doubtfire? 

Being born into a slow family that misspells their French name and does not know how to pronounce it could be the safest way to go. I never worked, I never earned a lot of money someone would steal. Black people that live in the projects on government assistance in big cities like NY or LA look less like hoes. They don’t got no money of their own to steal. Somebody white who has so much money paid everything, they don’t look attractive or smart, and they do not even know they if they are smart. They ain’t running for office ever going to make their own fortune if that would shoot them straight to the top of a porn star career. They is just struggling in them streets, and they got the best chance of staying free.

I do not think I will live long. I just take one day at a time. No one believes I was homeless, and I do not know why I was homeless for so long. I do not know why they always just drove by me when I should have been killed. Sometimes I wonder what they thought to keep driving by. Maybe it was make a good plot for a book. I wish I knew. I shouldn’t be alive. I slept every night and woke up rested. I only took bird baths and never washed my clothes, but I smelled like I did. I stayed to see miracles. It was so miraculous. I through old clothes that were worn when they had holes, but they sure smelled dry cleaned.

Maybe they were scared of me. I should have been dead and stayed away.