Opinions

I do not know if my opinions about psychiatry apply to everyone. I just know they apply to me. The medications I am on have never helped me, but I have to stay on them although they put me at higher risk for diabetes. Diabetes can cut your life short by 20 years. I was not sure if these pills that have an endless list of side effects help anyone. They give you a worse problem than you started with according to the drug information. How can that be helping you? I do get therapy though. I listen to David Burns Feeling Good Podcast. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helps me. 

Looking Forward

Normally, I play around with different melodies until I find one that sounds catchy to write songs. I have written over 70 songs, but I only thought about 30 of them were good. People are changing how they write songs that end up on the Billboard 100 now. I have a lot to learn to keep up with the new direction they are going in. My songs are influenced by singers from the 90's and 2000's. I also wrote some Christian songs. You have to produce your own music to a professional level to get anyone to listen to your tapes. That will take time for me. I am not sure how I am going to get my songs produced. They are copyrighted though.

I do not know what direction I will be going over the next few years. If I graduate, I will try to get a construction job. I genuinely enjoy construction and want to help manage log cabin projects. I may end up building my own and renting them out. If I do not, I need to become fluent in Spanish and take the DELE exam in New York. That could help me get a translator job. I am not perfect. I study the dictionary for Spanish and Portuguese. They have vocabulary and slang. Pronunciation is much easier than in English. There are only a handful of irregular verbs. The only thing that is hard about Spanish is how fast they talk. If you can keep up, they have made everything else easy compared to English. 

This Week

This week, I realized how hard my classes are this semester. They are harder than the ones I took last year. I am not sure if I am going to pass again like in physics and structural analysis. I was concerned about graduating before starting this degree. I took a lot of hard math, economics, and accounting classes at Pitt Community College before transferring to build my confidence. My classes are so hard. You almost have to be a genius to pass. I didn't realize they were this hard. As for my last semester, normally a capstone is saved for a master's degree. I do not know if I am going to make it. I will try my best. That is all I can do. 

I just give up on my books and songs. It seems like people are not sure they are good until after you die. It is not worth producing them if they will never get discovered. The odds are so much against me. I think they are hit songs. I have a third album recorded on my phone. But, I need to learn an instrument to produce them well. I have pretty much given up on that for now. I can only do one thing at a time.

I have so much homework. I am overwhelmed by papers and assignments. I have not used Spanish or Portuguese in so long that I have forgotten a lot. I usually watch the news and television. I am so consumed with college and no one speaks it around me. However, I could always brush up on them. I learn vocabulary faster when I knew them before. I am so stressed out with school I am just doing one thing at a time. I am not sure I will ever graduate. I will find out this year if I will pass the first try or ever. Senior year may be too hard for me. 

Disappointment

I think I can only get a starting position as a field engineer after this degree. It will take time to work my way up, but I have been working on this degree for five years and I am getting old. It is disappointing that I will not make much more money than someone in the Army at first. I wanted to work in residential construction too. It looks like all the available jobs are commercial. I will keep working hard. I have so much homework this semester. I will work as long as I am able to after college. I am not sick enough not to work right now. I am not sure how long I will live. It just seems like it will be shorter than if I was never on antipsychotics. So, I'll see. 

Things I Never Say

I never mention how I don't like psychiatrists. I do not talk about how I am not friends with anyone on Fb. I think I should say it now. I guess it can explode again if I do not say it every once an a while. I do not like college. I am always doing homework. I cannot escape needing a degree. I do not think I will enjoy the job I can get if I do graduate. These days, I am not sure if I will on time. I do not like a lot of things about my life, but if I do not go to college it will get worse. So, I work really hard in school. 

Happier Alone

Today I went to see the psychiatrist. I hate seeing them with a passion. I do not think they are real doctors or that they are smart enough to help anyone with a serious problem. I do not like them personally and would not tell them my problems. I do not plan to ever sue them for malpractice because I do not think I would win. Their medications have so many side effects that they cannot be safe to take. I do not think I will live that long because I took them for so long. Real doctors do no harm and help people. I think the help some people think they are getting from psychiatrists is in their heads. All their medications have the same side effects like they are the same pill. The antipsychotic drugs all lie to you and tell you they give you hypoglycemia like it is not as bad as diabetes, but it is basically the same thing. I do not know if they are even different pills the way they have the same side effects?

I received the most devastating news. I do not want to be that successful or famous. I need my privacy. I do not want to write any more songs or books. I am glad they did not do that well. I do not want to travel. There is nothing anyone I do not like can do to help me. They really do not understand or know me. I do not want to talk to them about it or see them again. I'm telling you, these psychiatrist people. I have hated them for years. They have no cure and should not be allowed to force their pills down your throat without one. They make me so angry, but there is nothing I can do about it. A dumb institution that will stay. I do not plan to ever marry anyone who makes me take their dumb pills or thinks they have a cure all treatment that doesn't make sense. 

I feel like it's me against the world. I hate so many. I am happier alone. 

Blocking Spree

I went on a blocking spree this week. There is this guy who disappeared from the face of the Earth about 8 years ago. I could not find him anywhere on social media. He reappeared this week and I got so angry. I think he's blocked me for 8 years. So, now that he's okay for whatever dumb reason, I blocked him. I just do not get along with some people. Seems like it is more natural to stay blocked after that long. He's popping up on Instagram and Linkedin, and I got so angry. I blocked him and other people who treat me like trash. They act like I am nothing. They flush my life down the toilet and expect me to thank them for it. They've got problems if they think I ever will. I hate these people. I am tired of trying to be their friend. It's not worth it.